Crazy, crazy, crazy.... So recently I am having some trouble, I'm sure it's diabetic related. Not good news. I am swelling....BAD! In 2 days I have gained 10 pounds. All water weight. Problem? I have a prescription for a water pill, but I ran out. Guess what...no refills. And I dont see Dr. C until Tuesday. Even had some trouble getting my insulin refilled this time, but Dr K pulled through for me. Only thing I dont understand is they gave me 4 bottles of each. One of them, I can take 2 bottles in a week! How is 4 bottles going to last me 30 days? On top of that, the insurance already filled the 4 bottles for a 30 day supply. There is no way they are going to fill another one before that 30 days is up! So once again, I'm screwed.
The dr's want me to get better, I want to get better....but it's hard when nothing is working. Trust me, I dont want to sit here feeling like a water balloon! My feet and legs hurt so badly. And I have so much to do and I'm not able to do as much as I want to due to the swelling. ARG!!!!! I'm too young to feel like I wanna give up. Satan is attacking me with a vengence! Sunday School class has been praying for me and I had to do some major praying this morning. I woke up with my right arm killing me. My hands have been getting so numb, it even hurts to drive (hands on the steering wheel). The ademia is getting bad in my legs. Red splotches are trailing their way up my legs. Dont think it would take too much more to get disability, but they wont even consider it without me taking narcotics. I dont want to take narcotics. I want to live, be awake, enjoy life....not sleep it away or be cranky and out of it! I dont know what to do anymore.
Dr says "lose some weight and that will help". Really????! How in the heck am I going to lose weight when I gain 10 pounds of water in 2 days?! I hurt so bad, I cant hardly move. On top of everything else, I have this pain in my breast. I had an exam and the dr didnt feel anything wrong. But it aches. Not a really painful hurt, but a dull hurt on the side of it. Lord, what else can I take? Sometimes, I just wish I could curl up and fade away. NO...dont think I would ever commit suicide. I am totally againgst that. I'm not actually saying I want to die or anything....just sorta fade. I know...what's the difference?? I dont know.
I feel like I losing this battle and I'm getting really weak to fight it. I'm not a weak person usually. Always have been strong. But this is really wearing on me and I dont know how much longer I can do this. It's been 8-9 years of this and has NEVER been under control. I'm tired....tired of hearing about it, tired of being the strong one, tired of the pain, tired of the meds, tired of trying....tired.
Bobby's 18th birthday and his graduation is coming up in just a few weeks. I'm trying to stay focused on that, for him. No one knows, not even my husband or family, about how I'm feeling about all of this. Like I said, I'm the strong one.
**Lord, please give me strength and endurance to handle what you have chosen me to endure. Pour out you love and kindness and heal this sickly body. Place your hand on my heart, my soul, my mind and take me within your arms of love. "Even in the hard times. Even when I feel pain. I made up my mind. I'm gonna praise Him anyways." Amen**
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